Mistakes were made
I've thought about this since leaving your place. I should have been far more present and to even give you an inkling of being ignored / incompatible / uninterested was unfair to you, and honestly never my conscious intention. However, it doesn't fix the fact that I did. I don't want this to be an excuse, but I feel like I owe you an apology, which is worth giving regardless of a continuation or not. For that, for not being mentally all-present/attentive/in the moment, I am sorry. I would completely change that given the chance or a time machine.
When I'm too busy, whether work or not working, I end up having a racing mind. Typically, when I notice it, I try to reset. Or go on vacation if it's been eating at me. But I have to be conscious enough to notice. Focus on other stuff dwindles, limited to the energy reserves. Doesn't help that I'm more an introvert and need that recharge. But I'm not going to turn down or end short an evening that flies by with someone I'm learning, liking and enjoying sharing. Not that crazy.Â I'm an ass guy. And legs. No ass, no further look. You know, unless a beautiful girl's boobs are out right next to me. Then, as noticed, it takes some processing. My answer should've been as quick as I wrote that initially. However, that's not what I'm writing for - just that that was bugging me also. I was always the pickiest of my friend group but I guess that's what you get if you look for something first and then want all the perks/package of brains/gorgeous/feminine/chill/etcetc. Once a conversation occurs, I still fall back to what I answered the other night - reasoned intelligence is sexy.Â Your picture - your opener had curvature immediately. Then you got me with 2 other things that I vividly remember: you owned the shit out of your Halloween (birthday) costume -- subtle hair pull - and I recall you said that you'll dance... if you like the song. (I love dancing at weddings / parties / club / bars, etc with interest in the song. Without it, not likely.)Â The other night, I wasn't lying when I shared what I shared about past relationships (or lack thereof of serious ones). Had to rethink what I wanted. Belief typically lands on the creature of habit trope. That's not accurate. Thankfully. That would've prevented me from ever continuing seeing you - length of any would've broken any advice / personal or otherwise. I reshaped my environment to focus on what I could ultimately control - myself and what I'm seeking. Surround myself with the people that I wanted to talk to. I was't going to drop family but I made a concerted effort to change minds there - not balking at most things that I disagreed with (that I thought could make a better impact). Needed different environments for rest, focus/work, clarity and excitement or fun. Timing was a big factor in all of that. Comfort and confidence arise in that I know what I can control.Â You helped by listening. And I enjoyed listening to you, more so. Genuine engagement and definitely someone that upgrades perspective. Even in the small disagreements - just a product of environments. When it's meaningful, the time is worth far more.Â My focus shifted to my health. Not just the gym, running, getting outside, but focused on achieving goals set for myself. Weight, fasting, body fat %, energy levels. Experimentation. Scheduled, rigorous programs. Achieved goals. Adjusted. I'd fall off - adjust. Too many dumb dates or going out with friends. Didn't achieve the same if it was shallow to stress relieve. Sabotage for what I've valued. You get the pressure aspect of being the eldest and the reasonable one from your dad (a role which sounds like you thrive in so far).Pardon me but I just had one of my contacts land on my shoulder while typing... it was on my nightstand before. Which, admittedly, is closer than usual but how the hell....? -- Probably a sign to wrap this up.I wanted you not to leave the first day we met. That was the most fun I've had on a random search and eventual hotel bar in quite some time - very much a product of who you are. Cubs / Giants game after your 'beach' Monday. Too fun, despite your lack of mustard enjoyment and my failed attempts at finding you appropriately delicious drinks. But I felt comfortable walking you back to downtown and just being in the moment. Wanted you then. And, admittedly, did not want to hop on bart home. Hours flew on the phone and surely we lost sleep. Not for nothing, either. Too often those end up in repeated conversations. Nope. Fun stories and extended talks.Â Â For the record, my mom would say she brought me up far better than that. I'd like to think I'm better than it, as well "great guy" and all. I sought a pair of opinions on some of the general details on not being present and got exactly what I needed to hear "You're a jackass who needs to enjoy the good things". One who knows the majority of my history who has never been afraid to tell me how it is (primary person who called me out size-wise many years ago).Â